Bill Watterson is a genius.

Sometimes strange shit happens in the men's room.  People act odd in a room where other dudes are relieving themselves, which sounds pretty reasonable on paper.  Why would anybody be comfortable in a room where a stranger is pissing/shitting?  Obviously it smells awful, more often than not there are puddles of some weird liquid on the floor and you're not sure if someone would actually miss the urinal that badly, but you don't rule it out because humans are fucking assholes.  The lighting is never really spot on for me either, it's either way too surgery-room-bright, or it's crack-den-in-Havana-dim.  There's always a shameful guilt that comes over one of us if we're dropping one in the stall and somebody else comes in just to take a wizz,  but one of the only things that really, really, bugs me is when a guy won't piss next to me out of insecurity.

This seems like a weird thing to be offended by, and it is; do I really gives a shit if somebody is going to urinate next to me or not?  I think I'm mostly just displeased with the fact that guys are still suffering from this quasi-homophobia where they can't stomach the thought of just peeing next to another dude.  This complaint really only applies when there is only one other urinal available to piss in, and it's next to me.  I've had guys stand and wait for me to finish up so they could pee without a neighbor.  Do you have any idea how fucking uncomfortable that is?  Am I supposed to hurry it up for your convenience now?  Mularkey.

Do they think that I'm poaching pee partners?  It's not as if I will my bladder to fill up so I can stand at the urinal in hopes of somebody else joining in and I maybe hopefully possibly catch a glimpse of their dick.  I'm going to start saying stuff to those dudes, just your standard, "Hey, you can pee next to me, I don't mind", but that might make it more awkward.  If there are multiple plumbing fixtures available then OBVIOUSLY I'm not gonna pull up next to the only other person pissing, because that's really strange.  But you're gonna WAIT for me?  Just pony up, dude, I won't take a gander at your schlong. 

In my nonproprietary opinion, we, as men, should just pee.  If you have to fart, go ahead and do that too!  You're in the men's room for a reason and that's because you can't do the same stuff out at the bar, legally.  You're making it weird when you deem me unsuitable to piss next to and you come off as a spineless pussy... and it hurts my feelings.

This video works perfectly.

Also, in the middle of writing this I accidentally ate a fortune cookie without getting the fortune out first.  Like I just kinda threw it into my mouth.  How do I exist?


Forever loving Calvin and Hobbes,

JoeyG