3Deez nuts

When Avatar came out in theaters, I didn't give a flying fuck.  I didn't see it until it came out on dvd and was overwhelmed by the Ferngully hippie themes.  It was pretty and imaginative but not quite my bag. After I saw it on my normal ass xbox I was immediately ridiculed by my douchebag friends for not seeing it in theaters and imax, even more so for missing out on the orgasmic 3D experience.  As if having the giant blue people freak me the fuck out even more would have changed my movie-going experience from "whatever" to "meh".  I've never seen a movie in 3D and unless somebody forcibly entices me into going to the cinema center or whatever movie shitholes are in Delaware, I doubt I'm gonna see one soon.

I dunno about any of you out there, but I think the third dimension should stay the fuck away from my movies.  As a child, around six or seven years of age I reckon, mom and dad took my sister and I to Disney World, and it RULED.  I fisted Space Mountain, sodomized Splash Mountain, and skull fucked the Tower of Terror.  I strutted my cute ass up and down Epcot and the Magic Kingdom, snatchin autograph's from Donald, Mickey, and those motherfucking dime piece princesses.  I'm pretty sure I got a kiss from my favorite princess ever, Jasmine.  Yeah, Jasmine's my favorite, get over it you bitch. 

That midriff got me through some really awkward times with my body.

Disney Land ruled tits, except for the fucking 3D films that they had in the random theme parks.  There was an A Bug's Life one, Honey, I Shrunk the Audience, and I'm sure there were a few others that I saw or had to sit outside of due to sheer misery.  In case you haven't been privy to one of these shows, I'm assuming it's exactly what Hollywood is doing now with their big ass movies in 3D, but these Disney films are more centered around incorporating the third dimension into a mindless, slapstick film.  Little did I know that these movies would haunt me for the rest of my life.

Imagine a seven year old Joseph, galavanting through Disney Land, a handsome little boy with no knowledge of how depressing and empty he would be in about 14 years, waiting in line to see Honey, I Shrunk the Audience.  Surely it would be gut bustingly funny since that Canadian jackass Rick Moranis would be piling on the laughs for me... surely.  But keep imagining little Joseph sitting in his seat with the goofy 3D glasses taking up most of his face, eagerly  waiting for the start of the show.  Sure enough, the lights dim, the curtains open, the show begins, and I lose my shit.  The entire theater was tailored around this stupid movie in order to really get the audience to feel like they're hanging out with that doofus scientist and his dysfunctional family. One must also keep in mind, the incredible imagination of a child at that age and the strength of my suspended disbelief.  In short, I'm gullible as fuck. 

I can't quite remember the plot, mostly because I'm sure the writing was about as good as Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood.  The antics begin, the audience gets shrunk, and random shit comes flying at the audience.  Oh, and there are two giant animals running around in 3D.  One is Quark, the family dog who seems friendly except the fact that he's 100 fucking feet tall.  I only screamed like a bitch whenever he showed up on screen.  The other animal was a motherfucking ANACONDA.  My parents took me, a trusting young cherub, to this 3D movie where the threat of being consumed by a behemoth snake is very, very real to me.   I was afraid of hypothetical monsters in my closet or underneath my bed, and then my "guardians" drag me into this nightmare?  You have got to be shitting me.  I couldn't sit still in a dark room for a year after that.  Was I supposed to be entertained by having random holographic shit thrown in my direction?  Because every time it happened, I flinched like a twerp, and I think I will always be shook as shit to see any movie in 3D.  I guess I'm kinda old fashioned when it comes to cinema; I'd rather watch Shawshank in 2D than have to wear glasses and look like a nerd while having the fear of Christ stricken into me by a hyena voiced by Whoopi Goldberg in 3D. 

The most intense scene in cinematic history would have me shitting my pants in 3D.

I just feel like it's become a gimmick for selling tickets and not having to worry as much about a plot.  I'm also a cynical asshole who only goes out to see movies if somebody else is making me go.  The whole movie-going experience is ruined by the gross theaters and obnoxious people who always sit near you.  All of that on top of the fact that I'm going to be constantly protecting myself from shit that I think is going to crush my face for 90 minutes straight, I can safely say that I want no part in 3D movies at all.  I've got another week of obnoxious school work ruining my plans.  Not sure how often I'll complain on here.  Stay breezy ya'll.


Scholastically exhausted,

JoeyG