Not the man now, dawg.

Sorry, I got distracted. 

Okay, lemme just put this out there.... new born babies are not cute, at all.  I guess I just don't see the beauty of life in this pygmy version of a human that looks supremely pissed off all the time.  As if it wasn't bad enough that babies have the ultimate premadonna attitude, not allowing a normal sleep or sexy-time schedule, but they just shit their pants whenever they feel like it.  I understand that they have no control over their bowels and whatnot, but then why does it seem that people my age are popping these things out at a frightening pace?  I would love to be able to honestly tell them that the picture they snapped of the baby right after it came out is cute, but it's not.  This seems to be the case with all babies, not just the ugly ones. Some people might see this blatant display of telling the truth as an attempt to pick on babies.  Those people are only about half right. 

As adorable as cancer.


Speaking of ugly people, a woman in a Walmart fucking peppered sprayed other shoppers for an XBOX on Black Friday.  Now first off, I don't think I'd be caught dead at this pathetic attempt to buy shit for a little bit cheaper than usual, but I'm only saying that because Vietnamese children aren't offered at malls or Walmarts yet.  Second, if ANYBODY peppered sprayed me over a fucking game console, I would mercilessly beat them into a coma.  This includes this mother of three children, all of whom were with her when she decided to do her best impression of an Oakland riot squad officer.  How did this filthy cunt get away with spraying 20ish people, and not get her ass beat?  Humans are putrid things, and if you actually went out and shopped on Black Friday, I think you're a shallow, materialistic pig.  Fuck off.

I'm keeping this shit short, because I have more Skyrim to play, but recently I read a question that gave me a solid 4-6 minutes of pondering:  "You're in a room with your clone, fight it or fuck it?" This is quite the inquery, because despite my charm and handsome looks, I would have finally found someone who GETS ME!  My closest friends don't really understand what's going on in my noggin, so it'd be really great to sit and chat with one of the most underestimated minds of my generation.  But the option was not to casually chat with your clone, and I don't think I could fuck myself.  Some people may be able to easily picture themselves pounding themselves in the ass or scissoring with themself, but for some reason that just ain't doing it for me.  But a fight, however, would be fucking sweet.  Finally, an opponent who matches me in every strength and weakness, I can see cities crumbling at their foundation as the fight proves what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object.  I get moist at the idea. 

I need to get back to wasting my time, but meanwhile, ask yourself, "Fight, or fuck myself?"

Seriously.

Better than my clone,


Joey G

Ctrl+Z

Only a little over a year into my 20s and I realize that fun is only available through substance abuse or the defiling of state and federal laws... or acting like a teenager.  I'm slowly realizing that college is going to end soon, and if I'm lucky, I'll get one of the jobs that television portrays as a slow, methodical way to deteriorate any personal value you've ever felt that you had.  This is the "Quarter-Life Crisis", and it's beating the living tar out of me.  While Mr.Crisis proceeds to simultaneously finger bang and face fuck me with Flo Rida playing in the background, I've decided to reflect on my teenage years to distract me from my awful gag reflexes. 

Who else remembers when Jager and Miller Lite made for an awesome party?  Throw on ...Is A Real Boy or whatever goofy ass shit you listened to back then, keep the partying at a minimum roar, just loud enough so that whoever's mom wouldn't come and yell at us.  You had your tight crew of misfits and were supremely bummed when one of them couldn't make it to the weekly jamboree at your mom's house.  You were having so much fun.

Fast forward six years.  You are supremely pissed if the only shit you have to drink is Miller and Jager.  Whatever music you want to listen while you binge is determined by the amount of functional alcoholics gathering.  If it's only you and a few of your chums turning a video game into a hangover producer, then you can listen to whatever the fuck you want.  Having a "rager", with dozens of people present?  Get ready for the most monotonous and obnoxious mix of shitty pop remixes and bad rap songs the Billboard 100 could spew forth.  Let's assume you have to hunt for a party and end up at some lair of frat douches, you are now stuck with Dave Matthew's Band and Mac Miller for the rest of the night. That sense of camaraderie with the other party goers that you had before, that's replaced with total disgust and loathing for the gaudy alcoholics who the house owners like a lot more than you.  Parties are no longer fun, bars are too expensive, drinking becomes a guilt trip. 

Working wasn't that bad either.  Walking into the pizza hole, fresh face and ready to playfully flirt with your teenage coworkers while eventually doing the least amount of work possible that would please your cool boss!  If you had a sterling sense of humor, not unlike myself, everyone loved you because you made a disgusting work hell a little bit more bearable.  Cute as fuck, and you lived without even realizing that you could be fired.  I kind of enjoyed work. 

Now I'm 21, and work fucking blows.  The chicks who I flirted with at work when I was a teenager are now getting pounded by jacked, genetically superior, athlete scumbags, and for some reason it's frowned upon for me to hit on the 16 year old chick at work.  That sterling sense of humor has been weathered down to a cynical, biting wit that people only find humorous because you are completely fucking serious.  That cool boss you had when you were younger?  Yeah, they suck now.  They're still managing a pizza place and living with the shitty decisions they made in high school that didn't really open up career options for themselves.  So now these miserable managers start taking advantage of the employer-employee relationship and give you shit everytime you go to work, just because they can.

Relationships.  Ahhh relationships.  I remember being in love for the first time and how it probably feels similar to doing heroin for the first time.  You know that life doesn't get any better than holding hands and looking into that beautiful piece of jailbait's eyes while knowing that you cannot live without this person in your life.  You tossed around the word "love" like it's a comma and thought your friends were heartless when they scoffed at you professing your allegiance to this significant other. Love fucking ruled!

Barf.

"Love" is now the most putrid word I can think of.  If you managed to somehow stay in a relationship with the same person you fell in love with in high school, you more than likely hate their fucking guts.  When I heard someone say they "love" me when I was a teen, my dick got hard and I started rubbing it on things.  If someone said that to me now I'd I go into a state of panic similar to that of American's on 9/11.  The idea of someone being in love at this age is a horrifying concept; your agonizing life is only getting started, don't bring someone you kinda care about into that with you.  It's healthy and reasonable to love shit; people, video games, hockey fights, etc., but don't be IN love with shit.  People not in love hate you, because we are now second fiddle to whatever you love.  So stop. 

Being a teenager ruled.  Sure, I was really awkward and went through confusing stages in life, but I didn't have to worry about shit like health care or rent(mooching is a guilt trip though), and for most of my teen years my criminal record was written on a board with a dry erase marker until I was 18... and I failed to take advantage of it, no stolen cop cars for me.  I could go on for hours about how much growing up blows, but I guess I'm just upset that I'm an adult now and have responsibilities that must be tended to.  I'm turning into a grumpy old dick, and I've only just been allowed by the legal system to buy alcohol.  Fucking save me.


Happy as ever,

JoeyG