But I've also developed a taste for unsweetened iced tea, and nobody fucking likes unsweetened iced tea.
Also, cougar's at bars in college towns are, quite possibly, THE BEST form of entertainment via voyeurism(or "creepin", for you lames). Honestly, there are very few things that fill me with simultaneous confusion and joy as much as seeing a woman in her "sexual prime" hoping to catch some hung college stud who couldn't quite cut it with the sluts his own age (this has kinda happened to me.... more on that later). Witnessing these ladies in person is something magical, I imagine it's like being able to see a feral beast in the wild, who is only available to us because they let us see them. Depending on your watering hole of choice, you may not see these gossamer beings very often, but when you do it is such a treat! The awkward dance moves, the cranberry & vodka drinks, the vain attempts to look sexy; they're all elements involved in one of the more depressing aspects of ageing. This is truly embodied in Shannon.
I'm trusting the reader to not pass any judgments on me for what I'm about to tell you. Shannon thought she was a "thirty five" year old former stripper from out west. She had gone through a tasking divorce in which whatever retard who married her in the first place ended up with the kids, the house, the money, yadda yadda yadda. So what does Shannon decide to do? Why, the only logical thing... move to Maryland! Not beautiful Annapolis, nor Baltimore City, not even near D.C.! No, she chose to relocate back to her moms crib in Cecilton or Elkton("...Where memories are made!") or some shit-kicking hillbilly den in Cecil County, Maryland. Apparently the Buffalo Wild Wings in Newark, Delaware was the best place for her to grab a drink, because she must not have known about the other five or six bars on Main Street that are infinitely better than a BWW bar. It just so happened that I was spending the Summer evening with a few esteemed colleagues of mine who live above said Buffalo Wild Wings, and it just so happened that my colleagues and I decided on some late night wings to go with our uneventful evening of shouting "PARTY AT 209 ELKTON ROAD" at underage chicks on Main.
Now I wasn't as drunk as my coadjutors(Greg, Willey, and Barrow, for future reference), I had maybe three or four beers, which is more than enough to affect my then 19 year old decision making. We ordered our wings and waited near the bar, where a sad, desperate shell of a woman was waiting for us. She tried to casually look over her should at our table, she brushed her hair to the side, played with her drink, all of that shit, until she got sidetracked by a jukebox that was playing Pink. From there Shannon focused her attention to a table of youthier youths who seemed to be giving her more attention than we were... we'll see how long that lasts. Being the gentleman that I am, I took out my gaunt wallet and managed to fish out a one dollar bill that I must have stole from some close relative. I gave a wolf whistle or something and, I shit you not, waved the dollar bill in Shannon's general direction. Obviously showing off in front of my friends, I was confident that there was no way in hell that this would work.
Right. Shannon, being the greedy little trailer park trash that she was, zeroed in on the path of the fluttering Washington and popped a squat right on my 19 year old lap, and boy did she earn that dollar. She was yapping about how whatever shitty Pink song that was on was in fact, "her song", and proceeded to give me a lap dance. In the middle of Buffalo Wild Wings. Just to make sure that her antics weren't going to be a problem for the BWW staff, I asked the bartender if it was okay for her to perform a lap dance in this setting at this hour(in case I didn't mention before, it was kind of fucking late), the bartender did not seem to mind. It should also be brought to the reader's attention that the bartender was a male and really fucking bored since he was working in a bar in Newark during the Summer. And with the man's consent, Shannon commenced one of the most awkward, physical, and pointless lap dances of my life. Whatever. Some cunty server or counter girl broke the whole thing up; apparently that's "inappropriate behavior". I think Shannon then left us to catch her ride or whatever. Food's done, let's go eat some wings.
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| Pictured above: Probably some place Shannon worked. |
SIKE, hows about we just run into Shannon right outside of Greg and Barrow's apartment? Sounds like a plan! Obviously we invited her up for some Natty's and some overall good times. Good times happened to include the entire crew getting lap dances while Neal Diamond played in the background. Also, we somehow convinced Shan to show us her extremely fake tits. She was more than excited to indulge us in her rack, and I'm pretty sure one of us motorboated them! Fun fun. Also, at this point Shannon is all over me, which totally RULED at the time. Now it's sad and gross. What's important is that I know NOW that what happened that night was really fucking weird and not okay, with the only benefit being that I get to share it with you at this point in time. Now that we've established that I am aware of my folly, let us continue.
Shannon asked me how old I was, and why the fuck would I tell her I was 19? Her kids could probably beat me up, so I gave a nonchalant ,"How old do I look"? Apparently a skin headed Joey G looks a lot older than he actually is.
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| Pictured above: Some really old dude. |
I can't remember what the dame guessed (probably somewhere around 23), but whatever it was, she decided that it was old enough for her to start sucking my mouth hole until a white dwarf formed. That or she thought the fountain of youth was in there somewhere, because she was doing some serious digging. Eventually I got her off of me and we just kinda went on with a game of beer pong or something. For some reason I was sitting on the couch, probably texting someone, "t0tez gettin wit da koogr", when I fucking saw it out of the corner of my eye. Shannon was on the ground, probably showing off her moves because she thought we were still entertained by them, but that wasn't what caught my attention. My eyes were the size of fucking hockey pucks as I turned to Greg who had to have seen it too, since his jaw was hanging near his field negro cock. He locked eyes with me and silently mouthed, "She fucking pissed herself". All I could do was nod.
I don't remember what happened right after that, she went to the bathroom to clean up or something so she must've realized that she fucking lost control over her vagina for a second there! Oh, and ladies, if you ever do something questionable in a room full of dudes and then head to the bathroom, it's the only thing we're going to talk about until you come back. At this point Shannon had been there for a while, which is weird since her ride was waiting for her in the fucking parking lot. We asked her about whether or not she should probably go home since it had been over an hour and her response was "No", because they were probably having sex or something. Real classy Shan. Well we had continued drinking for a while when I felt a little tug at my shirt as Shannon headed off to the bathroom. Uh ohhhh, you know what this means! SCORE!!!
Except when we got to that tight little 5x8 room and Shannon pulled down her pants, I got to see what a 40-50 some year old woman looked like, and boy howdy was I intimidated. Maybe it was all the sagging that was going on, maybe it was it was how she tried to immediately pull my dick inside of her, no knob shining at all, she must've been all lubed up from trying to detach my face from my head. Actually, now that I mention that, THAT'S why we thought she pissed herself, she just couldn't control the plumbing thanks to me! Hopefully.
That point is when I think that my Jiminy Cricket was telling me to fucking bail, but I was putting up a pretty good fight, so I decided to barter with Shan. I told her that she should totally blow me (I put it more eloquently at the time), she declined my offer, apparently blowing a guy in a bathroom was not up her alley, go figure. I gave a deep sigh and a "Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine", and we mutually agreed on using our hands on each other, mutual masturbation! Well I'll be damned if that wasn't the most awkward thing I've done with three of my fingers at once. Use your fucking imaginations for the rest of that bizarre moment, I know I won't!
To wrap things up I immediately washed my hands as hard as I fucking could and popped a squat on the couch next to whoever was watching something that wasn't a woman's vagina. She remained in the bathroom for a bit longer and I noticed a pack of Newport cigs chilling on the coffee table with my dollar bill tucked in the plastic wrapping. She scarred me, so I took that Washington back (which, I just realized, was a third of what she made in an hour... what a dick I am). Shannon kind of announced that she was leaving and we all kind of waved bye. She left. Thank god.
So that's my story, I stand in front of you a broken man who has seen some shit. Also I looked up when Sweet Caroline (the Neil Diamond song we "partied" to)came out, and the year is... 1969. Fuck.
