Keep me out of you.



R.I.P. Gaddafi

 Now that Tanzania is freed and I can talk about myself...

My kid(s) is(are) fucked.  That statement is based solely on the off chance that at some point, a female would deem me a suitable mate and let me awkwardly bury an ample amount of seed in her twat and let me help raise whatever pops out in 9 months time.  An unlikely idea, but perhaps slightly plausible.  If the god of wine decides that I am fit to carry on my dego name, then I may or may not have a spawn that will be completely screwed, thanks to me and this stale, calloused world.

I think it's safe to say that , first off, I'm not quite equipped with Adonis DNA.  We can rule out Atlas or Hercules coming from my cock.  I'm not saying that I'm going to produce a breathing colostomy bag, but unless I get the spawn practicing at something at an early age, his(fuck a daughter) tiny body won't be useful for much outside of wrestling, and look at how my career in that took off.  I say "tiny" because, as much as I like the odds, there is no way I'm going to produce a kid who gets much taller than me.  In order for that to be even remotely possible, I'd have to fufill my dream of wedding a tall, forceful, Wonder Woman-esque amazonian woman, and last time I checked, those ladies weren't exactly lining up for my dwarven ass.  I'm in a sort of "height limbo" that fluctuates between 5'4 and 5'5, even 5'6 if I'm talking to somebody really gullible.  So assuming the tall chick thing doesn't work out, I have to make due with a girl(whose genes suck already) who is the same height or shorter than me.  My kid is going to fucking petite.  I'm afraid that my mini-spawn will have to rely on his ravishing eyes, bulging calves, and witty prose to succeed in life.  If I have anything to do with passing those traits on. 

There's also the whole raising the spawn thing, where I'm required to live up to responsibilities and shit.  I think I have another decade (rough guesstimate) of thoroughly not wanting responsibilities as a mature person, although I am well aware that another decade of being a burnout is a product of a wildly fanciful imagination.  It just seems to me that there are a LOT of people in the 18-24 age range that pop out babies like the shit's cool.  Now there are some people who are doing a good job of raising these kids at, what I believe, is a relatively young age, but then I hear some chicks in my college classes using their kid to hide behind scholastic responsibility.  Can you imagine the shit I would use my kid as an excuse for?  Shit my pants?  Kid's fault.  Accidentally kill the dog?  The baby shouldn't have been driving.  Even if I told a bad joke at a party I'd say my retarded kid told me it, and that I only told it so we could laugh at his expense.  How am I gonna buy Call of Duty 58 when I have to buy fruits, vegetables, diapers and shit?  I can't maintain a 1.5 Kill:Death ratio, how the FUCK am I going to raise a spawn of my own?  There are still points in my life where I accidentally shit my own pants, and go into a hysterical frenzy and scream at myself for losing control of one one of the most basic bodily functions, now imagine me yelling at a child for that.  Every day. 

Okay, assuming I haven't panicked and eaten my spawn before he's shipped off to school, there is no way this country doesn't shit on his hopes and dreams or kill him before he can drive.  Besides the recent rash of Jumanji games spiraling out of control, my runt will probably have to compete with nerds, kinda smart kids, and the other average kids like himself.  He will also have to compete with those fucking idiots that were in your classes, and you fucking know what kids I'm talking about.  The kids whose parents didn't notice them pissing and shitting in 2 liter soda bottles and harvesting the fumes so they can get a psychadelic high.  The kids who killed neighborhood cats with BB guns and blew up the dead bodies.  I say that my spawn will have to compete with these kids, because the integrity of the traditional grading system has been raped by shitty Americans.  People are taking away valid reasons for beating my child.  They are essentially leveling the playing field for my mild-mannered kid and Sid from Toy Story.

A balmy juggalo.

Hopefully I don't have to tell my kid that his dreams are going to be crushed by everything else in life and he had better dream up some shit in the vain of accounting or some other boring garbage that I couldn't put myself through.  These are simply my thoughts.  I also think about how my small hands make my dick look big.


Text me,

JoeyG

STILL DOING SCHOOL SHIT!!!

I suck so hard.   This shit rules though.

;),

JoeyG

I hate school so much

I am 21 years old.

I'm not married, nor do I have kids at this age, because I have self control.

I am a college student, and constantly bored when I refuse to do my homework.

Whenever I'm bored I turn to the internet for knowledg...

 ...I end up looking at pornography and downloading music.

My toughest decisions are when I have to choose between Madden, Call of Duty 4, and Netflix.

When I'm not high or drunk off mom and dad's buck, I'm probably sleeping.

I'm in debt to my friends for rent, meals, and various leisurely activities because I don't have a job.

I can't find a job because I'm a lazy piece of shit who would rather sit at home and listen to shitty music.

I am in for a rude awakening.

I am a dick.

Occupy my anus.

3Deez nuts

When Avatar came out in theaters, I didn't give a flying fuck.  I didn't see it until it came out on dvd and was overwhelmed by the Ferngully hippie themes.  It was pretty and imaginative but not quite my bag. After I saw it on my normal ass xbox I was immediately ridiculed by my douchebag friends for not seeing it in theaters and imax, even more so for missing out on the orgasmic 3D experience.  As if having the giant blue people freak me the fuck out even more would have changed my movie-going experience from "whatever" to "meh".  I've never seen a movie in 3D and unless somebody forcibly entices me into going to the cinema center or whatever movie shitholes are in Delaware, I doubt I'm gonna see one soon.

I dunno about any of you out there, but I think the third dimension should stay the fuck away from my movies.  As a child, around six or seven years of age I reckon, mom and dad took my sister and I to Disney World, and it RULED.  I fisted Space Mountain, sodomized Splash Mountain, and skull fucked the Tower of Terror.  I strutted my cute ass up and down Epcot and the Magic Kingdom, snatchin autograph's from Donald, Mickey, and those motherfucking dime piece princesses.  I'm pretty sure I got a kiss from my favorite princess ever, Jasmine.  Yeah, Jasmine's my favorite, get over it you bitch. 

That midriff got me through some really awkward times with my body.

Disney Land ruled tits, except for the fucking 3D films that they had in the random theme parks.  There was an A Bug's Life one, Honey, I Shrunk the Audience, and I'm sure there were a few others that I saw or had to sit outside of due to sheer misery.  In case you haven't been privy to one of these shows, I'm assuming it's exactly what Hollywood is doing now with their big ass movies in 3D, but these Disney films are more centered around incorporating the third dimension into a mindless, slapstick film.  Little did I know that these movies would haunt me for the rest of my life.

Imagine a seven year old Joseph, galavanting through Disney Land, a handsome little boy with no knowledge of how depressing and empty he would be in about 14 years, waiting in line to see Honey, I Shrunk the Audience.  Surely it would be gut bustingly funny since that Canadian jackass Rick Moranis would be piling on the laughs for me... surely.  But keep imagining little Joseph sitting in his seat with the goofy 3D glasses taking up most of his face, eagerly  waiting for the start of the show.  Sure enough, the lights dim, the curtains open, the show begins, and I lose my shit.  The entire theater was tailored around this stupid movie in order to really get the audience to feel like they're hanging out with that doofus scientist and his dysfunctional family. One must also keep in mind, the incredible imagination of a child at that age and the strength of my suspended disbelief.  In short, I'm gullible as fuck. 

I can't quite remember the plot, mostly because I'm sure the writing was about as good as Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood.  The antics begin, the audience gets shrunk, and random shit comes flying at the audience.  Oh, and there are two giant animals running around in 3D.  One is Quark, the family dog who seems friendly except the fact that he's 100 fucking feet tall.  I only screamed like a bitch whenever he showed up on screen.  The other animal was a motherfucking ANACONDA.  My parents took me, a trusting young cherub, to this 3D movie where the threat of being consumed by a behemoth snake is very, very real to me.   I was afraid of hypothetical monsters in my closet or underneath my bed, and then my "guardians" drag me into this nightmare?  You have got to be shitting me.  I couldn't sit still in a dark room for a year after that.  Was I supposed to be entertained by having random holographic shit thrown in my direction?  Because every time it happened, I flinched like a twerp, and I think I will always be shook as shit to see any movie in 3D.  I guess I'm kinda old fashioned when it comes to cinema; I'd rather watch Shawshank in 2D than have to wear glasses and look like a nerd while having the fear of Christ stricken into me by a hyena voiced by Whoopi Goldberg in 3D. 

The most intense scene in cinematic history would have me shitting my pants in 3D.

I just feel like it's become a gimmick for selling tickets and not having to worry as much about a plot.  I'm also a cynical asshole who only goes out to see movies if somebody else is making me go.  The whole movie-going experience is ruined by the gross theaters and obnoxious people who always sit near you.  All of that on top of the fact that I'm going to be constantly protecting myself from shit that I think is going to crush my face for 90 minutes straight, I can safely say that I want no part in 3D movies at all.  I've got another week of obnoxious school work ruining my plans.  Not sure how often I'll complain on here.  Stay breezy ya'll.


Scholastically exhausted,

JoeyG

Marvel vs. Capcom rules all

You know those people in your classes in college?  You know, those people.  I don't know what it is but lately I have not been in the mood for their shit.  We all know these people and have had at least one class with them... I end up in one every fucking semester.  There's the student who happens to be the same age as our parents, the kids(more than one type) who make us feel like dunces, the extremely fucking rude kids, etc., etc.  Scholastically, this week has been the fucking pits, and since I can't curb stomp these cocksuckers, you, the reader, get to hear me whine about this garbage.

Age before beauty in my posts, so let's aggress the desperate old folks in our classes.  Where do we stand, morally, when we talk about these eager beavers?  Should we be really excited for the elder in the class since they have a goal that they're finally working towards in getting their collegiate degree?  After 40 or some odd years they got their acts together and are hoping to have something to look back on in the dwindling twilight of their lives. 



Just a moving bag of awkward group projects.

 Also, they're really fucking annoying.  These archaic assholes are the reason I start to get snappy with my parents whenever I get to see them.  I feel like they play their own twisted psychological game of "Ask as Many Irritating Questions as Possible".  They also feel the need to compete with us younger bucks for the professor's affection, which for the most part, if you aren't being a twat, you don't give a shit about.  I cannot express how much I pity the old fool in my class when he makes some sort of humorous comment out of mirth, and nobody in the class laughs.  In one particular instance of a mortifying attempt at a witty comment, as the "joke" was cracked nobody had laughed(obviously), and as I turned my head in disgust to see the face of our elder, I noticed he was anxiously looking around for the approval of his fellow students and had somehow connected his beaming gaze to mine, and he just smiled.  Just sitting there, smiling at me.  I am overwhelmed with pity for this man, and so I pull a half-assed, awkward smirk out of my compassion.  Never say I'm a bad person, because that takes fucking STRENGTH... but enough about those pests.

Onto the ego killers.  We probably judge people by their looks when we get to class, it's a pretty natural thing so why not admit it.  We see the nerds and immediately know they will be our successors in the class, no biggie.  Jocks, or any kid that wears high socks with some sort of tacky high top sneaker or those douchey Nike sandal things, you get no love because you're all fucking dorks and we know that if you do well it's because you cheated.  I'm mostly disappointed in myself when the "special"(in one way or another) kid in class one ups me on my quizzes.  I am truly proud and inspired by the kids who have overcome crippling odds in life to show that they came to fuck shit up too... but then there's that point where they consistently get better grades than me after I work my lazy tits off for a B.  I'm not saying "Stop being better than me", because that's weak.  No I'd rather you succeed in some other class, because besides this blog, my egotism is all I have. 

And lastly, why the fuck do kids have to talk in class?  Seriously.  That is some of the most unmannered shit ever.  This professor is simply doing their job, educating us to the ways of the contemporary American writer or the path of the learned rhetorician, and you're sitting there gabbing about your weekend or your opinion on why this class blows.  That is some of the most distracting nonsense ever, because despite how much I want to seem rad and that I don't care about school, I want to learn this shit so I never have to be anywhere near your dumb ass again.  Even when you aren't talking you're still probably grinding my gears.  People sleeping in class is a little pet peeve of mine; I know it's none of my business, but my parents would stomp a mudhole in my ass if they saw me sleeping in class, followed by an epic guilt trip.  Next time I see you cunts sleeping in class, I'm gonna Tekken-style axe kick your skull through the desk.  Please believe.

Virginia Woolf?  More like Who's Afraid of JIN KAZAMA!

I just want this week to end so I can be up to no good in Nerk.  Be good students, don't give me an excuse to write about your lame ass.


Forever Right, Right + Left Kick,

JoeyG

i'm shuttin the studio down

midterm tomorrow,  gotta study.  ill be back on my grind afterwards.


Fucked,

JoeyG

Ambitionz as a ridah

Are we genetically predisposed to suck at driving?  One figures as much; women and sissies(myself included) suck, while everyone else kinda holds command over the road.  I'm not sure why I suck though, my only real issue is that I detest being on interstates and driving around places that I'm unfamiliar with, that's a lot of pressure, fucking sue me.  I've only had two fender benders and two speeding tickets over a span of five or so years and I'm comfortable saying that I really fucking hate driving.  I think I might drive shittier after I get done playing Grand Theft Auto, and if that's the case everyone better be really fucking happy I don't own any guns.

It might be because I push a Taurus around.  I don't think I've ever met a person who drives a Taurus who doesn't absolutely loathe their life.  People that ride hogs do the little hand thing on the side of the bike if they pass each other, Wrangler drivers smile and wave, while us Taurus drivers just sigh and hold up what weapon we've decided would be appropriate for our suicides.  There is always some shit going wrong with my car and I'm constantly paranoid that it's going to conk out on my way up to Newark one day, especially when I go over that one big fucking bridge with the yellow support things. 

This picture couldn't make Delaware look any more like a cold, dead place.

Fuck driving.  I'd rather skate everywhere; cheap as balls and infinitely more fun than driving, even if you suck at it!  Who cares about all of the ecological benefits you get when you don't drive, can you and your friends all hop in your own cars and start driving across the UD campus?  Theoretically, you could, but it's way more enjoyable and within the confinements of the law(kinda) to just skate everywhere.  In Delaware there two areas that I know of where you can live and not have to drive anywhere if you skate: Newark, and the beaches.  I'm sure there are other spots where it's easy to maintain a living situation in the state and skate at the same time, but I haven't been there so it doesn't exist to me. 

At first I wanted to write about cars and driving and shit, but literally everything is so much more appealing about skating right now.  This past summer I bought my first longboard and it was probably the most fun I've had since my childhood innocence died out years ago.  I remember being so pumped when I got it that later at work I ended up taking a break(which nobody really gives a shit about anymore) and skating around the UDel campus for 45 minutes, WITHOUT clocking out.  Fuck you Grotto Pizza.  If anybody gets truly bored with whatever shitty surroundings they're stuck in, buy a longboard.  The feeling of finally finding your balance and comfort zone is so satisfying, especially the first time you lean/crouch on your board and run your fingers against the asphault.  Gosh, I'm getting wood.  Finding unfamiliar ways across that campus on my way to and from work was some of the bulliest shit I did this summer, it was that adventurous childlike feeling that comes when you're doing something new.  I didn't feel like a degenerate substance abusing adult anymore.  Sike, I totally did.  I'm not going to act like the gods of eating shit didn't call for blood though, that board handed my ass to me a few times.  I'd go into detail about the worst fall of my life but I still can't really get through the story without my eyes twitching and my asshole quivering.  Ask me about it in person, it's funny.

I'm probably gonna write more about longboarding and this past summer now.  I'm cool with that.


Nostalgically,

JoeyG